Once Upon A Time in Munich...

[B C]

While the Germans were busy adding more turbos, more cylinders,  and more obscure nonsensical models to their lineups, the rest of the automotive world was advancing rapidly on normal products. We have come out on the other side of this whirlwind with an insanely level playing field like we have never seen before. There is ALMOST no such thing as a bad new car. There are no Hyundai Pony, Yugo GV, Ford Fiesta.... wait.  There is a Ford Fiesta. and it comes in "ST" flavor with a turbo and people actually really like them. 
The bottom line is. There are A LOT of very good cars today. All of them are heavier, quieter, safer, and more numb than what we grew up with and thats what we want in our daily drivers/ family haulers. But where are the soul-stirring RWD, manual sport sedans that gave BMW their legendary reputation?

I look to the M2 Competition, the F80 M3/M4, perhaps even the M240i on the cheaper end of the spectrum and fragments of the pure E30, E36, and E46 that came before. You read reviews of them about how magnificent they are, perhaps lacking some steering feel, or rawness, but overall how they are very serious performance cars. You don't necessarily need to buy the biggest baddest fastest version of a car to enjoy driving it, or to be an enthusiast, but most normal people I know simply cannot and simply should not try to afford these newer performance versions of the cars. The F80 M3 starting price was in the upper 60's and can easily get up to $80k out the door. Again, the average enthusiast is not going to be able to afford these new, but how can you feel good about driving an $80k car hard and risking putting it into a ditch, or into the wall on track. It makes me nervous at least. So then what is the point of owning such a car if its too expensive, too fast, too difficult to repair, and doesn't really get used? There is entirely too much performance in many new cars for street use to where you might start to justify saving a load of money and "just getting an F30 328i 2.0t". After all,  for a MUCH more reasonable price, you can get:

-RWD - 242hp Turbocharged engine - M-sport aesthetic options - All the comfort and technology anybody really needs - Near 50/50 weight distribution -

All a very nice start to the classic BMW formula. But then comes the list of counterpoints:

Sure, it's RWD, but it has an open diff. You may as well get the AWD model to help out with adverse weather and just use the "X Delete" app to make it RWD with an open diff again when you want it.

-Both the 2.0T and the 3.0T engines are a gem, but the newer generations of BMW engines are still littered with stupid problems that really shouldn't have to exist anymore. 

-The balance between comfort and cornering grip in the new chassis is stellar, but there is very little sensation of speed and the "feel" is different. Different is not always bad, but it is different. 

-The automatic transmissions are getting so good that you should really just get an automatic. This is because you are getting older and since you aren't going to track the car and are getting an x-drive to make things more practical, you may as well just seal the deal with an automatic. 

When you start to be realistic about current day BMW ownership from the vantagepoint of a more basic 3-series, You have to accept the reality that you might be better off getting a Honda Accord Sport. The playing field might just be that level when you aren't targeting a new ///M car.

[B C]

The year was 2020. It was an unseasonably warm November evening, just after sundown on the outskirts of Milwaukee. I hopped into my E46 M3 with my 9 year old daughter who pleaded with me to go for one last drive in it before putting it away for the winter.  On our drive we passed some dealerships and I decided to take a quick look at what was on the lot. As we walked towards the new car section of the local BMW dealership. It was dark enough that the parking lot was illuminated but still easy enough to see a new G22 chassis code 440i x-drive with its controversial front grille. I took a look around the car to see if the polarizing style would be better from different angles and wondered if within time I would get used to it and realize that perhaps BMW was brilliant and ahead of their time, but I just wasn't seeing it.  

Parked next to the 440i was a new fwd-based 228i listed for $45k and scoffed at both the price tag and how small the interior was, immediately thinking about who might buy such an expensive and impractical car. I kept walking expecting to see some kind of M-sport model that would catch my attention that perhaps I could look forward to owning sometime in the next 10 years. 

My daughter shares a sliver of my BMW enthusiasm. With her curious excitement, she asked me which of all these new BMWs I would pick. As I paused and looked around, taking her question fairly seriously,  I glanced at the 4-series, a row of 2-series, some more basic 330's. 

"None of them. I honestly would not pick any of them.”

 In that peculiar moment I was surprised by my own response.

Once upon a time in Salt Lake City I was a 9 year old boy in the parking lot of an Acura dealership, struck with awe at a single car that captured my attention and completely changed my perception of a brand. Today, I am struck with awe that I cannot find a single car that captures my attention on the BMW lot. 

Once upon a time in Munich, the Ultimate Driving Machine was not so hard to identify.
 

END

[SteelBlue]

You get a publishing deal for this novel?

[YoungCR]

SteelBlue said:

You get a publishing deal for this novel?

I'm still working on reading through this as well but I was gonna say this is a hefty jalopnik column

[Jdesign]

YoungCR said:

I'm still working on reading through this as well but I was gonna say this is a hefty jalopnik column

I second this motion. 

Its crazy to think how much development and change has happened just to get where we are today. Oddly new cars do very little for me, which I am unsure if its me getting old, or its just the industry morphing into something that I no longer find appealing.

[B C]

Jdesign said:

I second this motion. 

Its crazy to think how much development and change has happened just to get where we are today. Oddly new cars do very little for me, which I am unsure if its me getting old, or its just the industry morphing into something that I no longer find appealing.

Objectively they are most certainly better, but I know what you mean. I hardly pay attention to new cars coming out and within 4-5 years they start showing up on my radar more when they hit the used market and how they hold up is better known

[HipMF]

B C said:

Objectively they are most certainly better, but I know what you mean.

I could spend a lot of time riffing on this sentiment...

We've lost our way. We've traded in the arts and humanities in favor of STEM and systems analysis. We're caught in the middle between what we feel and what we know, all the while knowing and feeling that what we're doing is not sustainable. Admitting to any of this is to admit that we are wrong and that we've made a mistake. That's too much for most people to deal with, especially since giving up on what we know leaves us in an uncomfortable place of uncertainty. So we continue on, searching for a more logical solution, thinking that somehow going farther down the path that we're on will somehow replace the things we love that we've lost and left behind.

[patsbimmer1]

I would totally subscribe to your Xanga.

[Nick_08]

Good story; good read. I keep hoping BMW is going to do one of these retro kicks like the big three have done recently. I'll take a 2025 e30 M3 :). Never gonna happen.

[B C]

Its the only thing that has kept Chrysler relevant. I’d even love a Singer 911 type modern tribute of a 2002 or E30.